During my teens up until my early twenties, I thought my “dream” was to be a performing artist.
I had good voice.
I excelled in my stage presence.
I was a good actress.
But I wanted more training. I was thirsty for voice classes, dance classes, stage performance workshops. All of those “wants” cost money and I “knew” my mother wouldn’t go for it.
My father’s business went bankrupt. My siblings and I were on a scholarship to study at our private schools. Money was tight and I felt bitter amidst my private school friends who could easily get money from their parents.
I felt trapped. I couldn’t breathe. I so wanted to perform. I felt like a bird without wings:
ALL BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF MONEY.
I carried this baggage…this anger…this sense of injustice with me up until I was in mid-twenties. Even though things were going well in my chosen career then, there was a hole that I couldn’t fill.
I was resentful because I couldn’t pursue my “dream”. I felt downright angry with my parents for not giving me a better life and there was such bitter sarcasm in me with the Universe.
I had that belief that I gave up and sacrificed so much: I gave up my dream, didn’t I?
In my late twenties, as I was exploring my life choices, I realized that (performing arts) wasn’t my dream after all.
It never was.
Of all the “performing arts” opportunities that were presented to me up until my mid-twenties, I never went out of my comfort zone to get them.
I never bothered learning to take the public transportation myself to audition for something,
I didn’t have the guts to sneak out and go for any audition.
I didn’t save up for singing, acting and dancing lessons.
All the while, my mind was telling me all the reasons why I couldn’t. I let my excuses paralyzed me into not trying harder for anything performance-arts-related.
Even when I had the financial independence to afford those lessons, I didn’t try harder. I used age as an excuse. My mind painted my upbringing, my parents, my circumstance as the villains.
When I looked deep into my life, I realized I always had it in me to go after what I wanted…I’ve always had. I never thought twice about doing business, partnering up with people, working long hours for my aunt, traveling for work, investing money into different businesses.
Yet when it came to what was supposed to be my dream? I couldn’t even be bothered.
That realization freed so much in me. My heart felt lighter. I felt 20 years of bitterness evaporate from my energy.
I let go of a “quote unquote” DREAM that was never meant to be mine. To be honest, I think I simply bought into the fantasy of being a celebrity because everyone else wanted to be – I mean “who says no to stardom, right?”
I do. I can. I say no to the conventional stardom. I say no to pursuing a dream in performing arts.
Yes, I was good on stage. And I still am.
But being good isn’t good enough. Being skilled doesn’t mean you make a career out of it.
It only means that it’s one of the means you express yourself. The stage has always been a way for me to connect to people. I always have a captive audience when I speak and when I write.
My voice is something that attracts people to me: they can hear themselves in my stories, in my sharing, in my experience.
Today, I feel grateful for never starting to climb a ladder that leaned against the ‘wrong wall’. I’m actually grateful for the “lack of money” my parents were in – that made me think twice before going on a rabbit hole of going to classes after classes pursuing something that I’m good at, but something that doesn’t make me stretch my wings further.
Today I feel happy – because there are no regrets in my life. I’ve let go of every blame I put on others. I went deep into my desires and into the direction I want for my life.
And I feel FREE. I am LIBERATED.
So before you go climb any ladder, ask yourself – which wall is this ladder leaning against? Do I want this or not?
Blessing of miracles,