Around the time “good news” was coming to me, I was feeling very disconnected with my body and soul.
On the surface, things were going well. My most coveted dream of being published and featured in Elephant Journal came true. My books have arrived from the US and are selling without me pushing too much here in Asia. I’ve been asked to speak and write for different platforms.
And yet, something was off.
I felt far less excited or giddy than I thought I would. At night as I lay in bed, I was visualizing how I would react in the past and I was seeing the reactions of a 20 year old me. I kept noticing how slim I looked and how uppity uppity I felt.
I felt confused and conflicted with myself.
“Why am I no longer that way? What happened to my figure?” I mean, I never did “let go” of my body – as a matter of fact, I am taking “so much care” of it.
Then, I was asking myself, “Why can’t I feel that uppity uppity energy anymore?” I still feel energetic but I no longer feel that uppity uppity me anymore.
What was wrong? What is wrong with me?
My period came and I had to take a few days off to be in my body more and feel into my femininity. I took to my bed, Netflixed, drank so much soup and read biographies of a few Queens.
I let time stand still and I simply got lost into being me without all the pretense and pressure of achieving something. And in the midst of me trying to simply be, lost in time and not thinking too much about what to do next…
I realized how I was sabotaging myself:
I allowed the PAST ME get the best out of the PRESENT ME.
That realization brought tears to my eyes as I fully let go of overly considering how I would react in the past and just listen…really listen to what the PRESENT ME is saying about who I am now and what I am today.
This present Maria is extremely thankful for every single moment of the day.
Maria 2018 does not have a slim figure. Rather, this María has a figure that’s voluptuous.
My present SELF no longer feels so uppity uppity because what I have now is that profound bliss of simply being the flow.
There is nothing wrong with who I am now nor was there anything bad about who I was.
I just evolved. And by not fully accepting that evolution and my present reality, I made a FOOL out of myself.
Upon nailing this irony, I just laughed and added the question below to the list of “Questions To Ask” when something’s amiss –
“How are you making a fool out of yourself?”
Try pondering on that when you feel disconnected with your soul.
Blessing of miracles,